I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
