i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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