She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize