Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
