Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
