dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Little spoons don't ask big questions
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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