dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
