i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
