I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
