The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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