He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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