I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
