We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Randomize
