my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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