i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
