I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
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