I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
