just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
