She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize