Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
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