Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize