Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
