conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
