I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
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