3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
