According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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