I'm pants shitting drunk right now
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize