everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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