Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
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