When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
they call him Oral-B. enough said
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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