I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
