he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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