Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
