anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
