I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
So squirting runs in the family.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
