Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize