walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
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