I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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