fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Randomize
