I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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