I can tuck mytits in my pants
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
