i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
