I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
