my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Randomize
