Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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