1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
