Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
