I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
