My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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