Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
