Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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