he shaved USA in his pubs
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
