i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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