Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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