I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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