Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Randomize
