If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
So many bounce houses so little time
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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