Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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