Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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