New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
