I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
