i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Randomize
