this just has baby written all over it
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
